100 Lashes

Fidel Ramos, Erap and Cardinal Sin were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

Sin was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The cardinal had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

Erap was up next, he almost finished an entire case by himself, and after watching the scene, said: "All right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the disgraced president out crying like a little girl.

Ramos was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are a strong leader and your years as president did wonders for your economy. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", Ramos replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable and principled man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie Erap to my back".

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Watch that wall!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

I forgot

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 A.M.
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!" 

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Disorder in the court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent. (DON'T MISS THE LAST ONE!)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this individual a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Doctor and lawyer

A doctor & lawyer were playing golf and the doctor said to the lawyer, "I went to a party the other day and someone asked me to take a look at their sore throat. What do you do when someone in a social setting asks you for free advice?"

The lawyer replied, "I usually advise them, then I go into the office the next day and send them a bill." 

“Good idea,” said the doctor. "I think I'll try that."

The next day, the doctor went into his office as usual. When that day's mail arrived, he received a bill from the lawyer for legal advice given on the golf course.

English rather than German

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will  be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other  possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less leter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".

This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which  have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

 By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud  of kors be aplid to ozer  kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil  hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

 Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun  vil find it ezi tu  understand ech ozer.   ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!

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Mentally yours

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
(yan kasi eh!  inggitero... heheheh!  naisahan ka ngayon)

Q&A

Ano ang pagkaiba ng kulangot sa gulay?
--hindi kumakain ng gulay ang bata.
Ano ang pinagkapareho ng utot sa tula?
--parehong galing sa poet.
Bakit intsik ang kinikidnap, hindi bumbay?
--kasi kapag bumbay ang bayaran ng ransom ay hulugan. *

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