Driver's license

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

Her daughter said, "Because you got an F in sex."

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What leaders said on the WTC terrorist attack

British Prime Minister Tony Blair: "We all agreed that this attack was an attack not only on America, but on the free and democratic world"

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat: "It is touching our hearts. It is very difficult to explain my feelings. God help them, God help them."

Iranian President Mohammad Khatami: "My deep sympathy goes out to the American nation, particularly those who have suffered from the attacks and also the families of the victims"

Pope John Paul II: "The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive life of a people"

Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada: "Antaas taas kasi ng building e kaya tinamaan ng er'plano"

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Slow down or complete stop

A police officer pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

The driver said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The police officer had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

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Successful sons

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

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How to impress a woman:

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring beer. Pls. dala ka rin ng pulutan, pwede na sisig.

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Chinese phrases that you should know

Ai Bang Mai Nee- I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tuh Fat-You need a face lift
Dum Gai- A stupid person
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you're harboring a fugitive
Kum Hia- Approach me
Lao Zi - Not very good
Lin Ching- An illegal execution
Neewang Kai Ko- I need to put on weight
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be- A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Bah - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung- A person with TB
Wah Shing Kah - Car wash
Wai Soh Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice
Wah Lah Na- That's all folks!

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