Isang sulat

The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog. Please read with feelings…

October 1996
To Marjie,
I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you’re very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I’m realize that he really can’t not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you’re habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.

And then he say he get ashame to met either in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you’re very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of Jose Marie Chan?

Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I’m never call you names either in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don’t have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you’re body that is to a BUDING.

You can’t not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.

I’m repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.

P.S. You say that I’m the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go.

BUTI PA

Buti pa ang Paranaque...............may BF
Buti pa ang farm....................may chicks
Buti pa ang halaman.................may nagaalaga
Buti pa ang bulaklak................blooming
Buti pa ang candy...................sweet
Buti pa ang gulaman.................may sago
Buti pa ang manok...................nakatali
Buti pa ang mangga..................matamis ang pisngi
Buti pa ang bees....................may honey
Buti pa ang tennis..................may love
Buti pa ang stuffed toy.............hinahalikan
Buti pa ang papel...................sinusulatan
Buti pa ang report..................may objective
Buti pa ang Geometry................may triangle
Buti pa ang Chemistry...............may lab
Buti pa ang mapa....................sinusundan
Buti pa ang nitso...................may bulaklak
Buti pa ang patay...................may dumadalaw
Buti pa ang prisoner................binabantayan
Buti pa ang jaywalker...............pinipituhan
Buti pa ang alphabet................may U and I
Buti pa ang poste...................steady
Buti pa ang radio...................pinakikinggan
Buti pa ang rosary..................may mystery
Buti pa ang Three Kings.............may regalo
Buti pa ang misa....................serious
Buti pa ang novena..................constant
Buti pa ang pari....................committed
Buti pa ang soccer..................may goal
Buti pa ang basketball..............may ring
Buti pa ang Disneyland..............may Mickey
Buti pa si Mickey...................may Minnie
Buti pa si Michael Jackson..........may moves
Buti pa si Camilla Parker Bowles....may pag-asa
Buti pa ang kalendaryo..............may date
Buti pa ang hersheys................may kisses
Buti pa ang probability.............may chance
Buti pa ang telepono................hini-hello
Buti pa ang film....................nade-develop
Buti pa ang typewriter..............nata-type pan
Buti pa ang exams...................sinasagot
Buti pa ang problema................iniisip
Buti pa ang assignment..............inuuwi
Buti pa ang panyo...................nadadalantay sa pisngi
Buti pa ang baso....................dinadampian ng labi
Buti pa ang unan....................inaakap sa gabi
Buti pa ang kamalian................napapansin
Buti pa ang salamin.................minamasdan
Buti pa ang hininga.................hinahabol
Buti pa ang tindera.................nagpapatawad
Buti pa ang awit at tugtog..........pinagsasama
Buti pa ang sugat...................inaalagaan
Buti pa ang lungs...................malapit sa puso
Buti pa ang bra.....................kakabit ng dibdib
Buti pa ang kotse...................mahal
Buti pa ang pera....................iniingatan
Buti pa ang mahjong.................sinasalat
Buti pa ang damo....................dinidiligan
Buti pa.......
.............
............
............
Buti pa...MAGTRABAHO KA NA AT BAKA MASISANTE KA PA.

Back to top

ERAP AND HOLY WEEK

Erap to Cardinal Sin:    Card’s galit talaga ang simbahan sa akin. Unfair ito eh.

Cardinal Sin:    Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan, Erap?

Erap:    Tingnan ‘nyo Cards, mayroong Sabado de GLORIA, mayroong Sagrado de CORAZON at mayroon din’g Linggo de RAMOS. Bakit ako wala? Naging presidente din ako ah.

Cardinal Sin:    O sige na nga Erap. Sa iyo na iyang ASS Wednesday.

INTERBYU SA EMBASSY

A 70 year old ‘lolo’ from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview. The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him. The consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

”Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?” the grandson translated.”Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon.” ”He said he wants to see his children there.”

Fair enough, that’s what the lolo’s application indicated. The consul had another question. “Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can’t his children just come and visit him here?” The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: “Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko. Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay.” Translation: “Tell him, my children were born here. They have seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.”

The heartless consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application because the applicant was unable to speak a word of English. “Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles.”

The lolo was equally unimpressed. ”Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko. P—ng ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-tagalog.”Translated: “He said: you son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog.”

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo’s visa application in pronto.

PINOY HELL

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, “What do they do here?” He is told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Filipino hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?”

Because there is always a brownout, so the electric chair does not work. Somebody stole all the nails to sell it “por kilo”. And the devil used to be a public official, so he comes in, punches his time-card, shake hands with all the people waiting there and then goes back home...” *

Back to top