Doctors and attorneys

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

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Line to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in. The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day,” he replies. “You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator...”

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Three worst Chinese torture tests

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”

The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight.”

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter.”

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning.”

The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.”

“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest”.

“What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle”.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost”.

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The Halloween party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

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Logic

Erap was listening to FVR’s speech. He was so fascinated that after the speech Erap approached FVR and asked him his secret. Here’s how the conversation went:
Erap: Bos, ang galing mo mag-speech talaga... ano’ng secret niyo...ba’t ang galing galing niyo.
FVR: Alam mo, Erap, logic lang yan...logic. Basta’t logical ang speech mo, ok na.
Erap: Logic? Ano’ng logic?
FVR: Logic...di mo alam?..yung...sandali a.... bibigyan kita ng example...may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap: Oo.
FVR: O, kung may aquarium ka sa bahay, that means mahilig ka sa tubig, right?
Erap: Tama, paano mo nalaman iyon?
FVR: Logic nga, eh. O, de kung mahilig ka sa tubig, that means, mahilig ka mag-swimming.
Erap: Oo, tama.
FVR: Puwes, kung mahilig ka mag-swimming, mahilig ka sa pag-excercise, right?
Erap: Oo, tama.
FVR: Puwes kung mahilig ka mag-excercise, lalaki ang katawan mo di ba?
Erap: Oo, tama.
FVR: Puwes, macho ka!
Erap: A, ganoon ba yon!
FVR: Oo, ganoon yon. Yan ang tawag mo na logic...o, naiintindihan mo na?
Erap: Oo, bos. Ang galing niyo talaga. Ngayon magagamit ko na rin ang logic.
So Erap left FVR with a smile on his face. While walking, he met Sen. Ernie Maceda...
Maceda: Hi, Erap
Erap: Uy, Ernie!
Maceda: Mukhang tuwang tuwa ka, ah!
Erap: Oo, ang galing talaga ni Bos Eddie...tinuruan niya ako ng logic!
Maceda: Logic? Ano’ng logic?
Erap: Di mo alam kung ano ang logic?
Maceda: Hindi, ano ba yon?
Erap: Ganito yon....madali lang iyan...halimbawa, a....ah...alam ko na...may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda: Wala.
Erap: Puwes, bakla ka! *

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