ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
  
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
  
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
 
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
 
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
 
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SUCCESS
At age 4   success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

THE BUM
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

 "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

 "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

 "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly.

While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

A BAD EXPERIENCE
Last week, I left Manila with a couple of friends heading toward Punta Fuego, in Batangas, when I decided to stop at a comfort station in a relatively new gas station in Tagaytay. Being new, this place would have a clean baño and pwede na just right clean facility to take a good crap : ) The first stall was occupied (my theory was correct), so I went into the second one.

Just when I was seated and poised to emit a very “silent” fart, I heard a voice from the next toilet: “Hi, how are you doing?” Putek!!! I thought in my mind. I am certainly not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort rooms or any comfort room for that matter. Normally, I would keep as dead silent as possible in a situation like this so no one would think I was there. What was I to do? run? keep quiet? So many questions in my mind.

I really don’t know what quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

“OK LANG, pare!” And the stranger said: “What’s up with you?” Talk about your unnervingly dumb questions! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? (In my mind) I was really beginning to think this was just TOO WEIRD!

So I said: “WELL, JUST LIKE YOU I’M MAKING TAE”

Then, I heard the person, all upset, say, “Look, I’ll call you back, there’s some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions I am asking you.”

GET THE MANAGER NOW!
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” the man replied.”

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her  fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.” *

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