Let's talk about sex

by Nestor C. Punay, M.D.

I often discuss with medical students the American culture and the difficulty encountered by people from other countries in adjusting to and understanding their society. One of the topics that stand out is the open-minded attitude of Americans towards sex. I admire the fact that people openly talk about this topic. Indeed, we need to talk about sex. It is pointed out that sex should be openly talked about and taught to our children when they come of age. It turns out that one of the biggest problems in raising a child here in America is the high incidence of teen-age pregnancy.

Culturally for Filipinos, it is doubly hard for us to talk about sex to our children. Sex is taboo in our society. Many times, we talk about it in zest or in secrets. We talk about it in private and in the absence of kids. If our kids talk about sex, we admonish them. Our attitude towards sex however has not stopped many of our kids from exploring sex nor has it discouraged extramarital and premarital sex. Our attitude has not abolished many instances of unwanted pregnancies among our teenagers either.

The tragedy about our attitude towards sex is that it creates an atmosphere of fear and ignorance among our people. Thus, we abhor people who talk about it in public. If a woman talks about sex in public, we look down upon her and condemn her as “sex hungry” and immoral (“kiat” or “malandi”). If a man does it, he is called a womanizer and a player but is not condemned publicly. The end-result is a sorry spectacle of people pretending to abhor something that all agree are one of the physiological needs of man. Man needs sex in order to perpetuate his species. It is not something dirty or repulsive.

Our ignorance and attitude towards sex have ruined many lives. A teen-age mother is expectedly condemned by people who themselves are not saints either. Not only do we crucify the person, we also condemn the entire family. Thus, the family involved is perceived to be sinful and immoral. The fear of this condemnation and social isolation often results in the parents disowning the poor child. Instead of helping her cope with the tragedy, the person is damned and her future ruined beyond repair. Unfortunately, this leads to even greater tragedies.

The child should not be blamed solely for her pregnancy. We are part of the problem. The problem starts at home and is perpetuated in school and in the community. If we are to believe the numerous studies conducted in the US about this problem, then we should start talking about sex to our children. Studies have shown that talking about sex to our children prevents unwanted pregnancies. It is proven that children who openly talk to their parents about this topic engage in sex later than their peers. The rate of teen–age pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are also lower. Many of them have higher grades and have higher percentage of finishing school. Teen-age mothers tend to have more problems in school and ultimately, drop out of school. Thus, their future becomes bleaker than their peers.

The school system in America has incorporated sex education in their curricula. Topics such as how a baby is conceived, sexually transmitted diseases and the various contraceptives are discussed. Also, there are programs designed to discourage early pregnancies. One such program involves a baby doll taken home by a student. This doll is programmed to simulate and behave like an infant. The student’s job is to address its needs as if it is her child. Many students who have experienced this are discouraged and are dissuaded from having a baby when they are not ready.

Aside from talking about sex, most studies show that a busy child is less likely to experiment with drugs and sex. Sports, art, music and other extracurricular activities have to be encouraged and promoted. These help instill discipline among children. It helps develop them mentally and physically. Talking to our children opens a channel that otherwise remains shut because of their inherent fear of authority. If we initiate the conversation, they will open up and listen to us. We become closer to them. Soon, they will talk to us about their problems rather than with their friends. This will ensure that our child is properly guided. It is not enough that we threaten or admonish them to behave and be good. If we are too dictatorial and authoritarian, our children will rebel and will do exactly the opposite of what we tell them. If we have their trust, respect and confidence, they will tend to do what is right. They often will have the desire to do good to please us.

So, let’s talk about sex!

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