Romancing the Japanese

So heart-shaped chocolates are not your idea of romance— not when you are the one obliged to give it!

You’re not alone. To most of the 7,000 Filipinas who tied the knot with Japanese partners last year, this Valentine is one of the first shocks that symbolizes what they feel is the cold treatment they’ve been getting from their spouses. No wonder a typical Filipina quickly learns the word tsumetai (cold) to describe her Japanese husband or her relationship with him. No wonder, too, that the percentage of divorce between Japanese and Filipinos has consistently hovered at 40%, meaning that by year-end, about 2,800 Filipinas will be divorced or will file for divorce from their Japanese husbands.

“How can such marriages not be in shambles”, a Japanese asked, as if rhetorically, in an internet forum. “If a husband and wife who are born in the same land and speak the same
language sometimes clobber each other over which end of the toothpaste to press, or which side of the cheese to slice, how can two people of completely different backgrounds ever hope to stay in marriage?”

In a society where ren-ai kekkon (marriage out of love) has until recently been a social anomaly, there are no social rules nor civil codes that govern marriages with foreigners, which consists of close to 5 percent of all marriages registered since 2000.

Given the odds, it’s a miracle that more than half of these marriages survive at all. If you’ve come this far, congratulations for the feat! We are informed that the majority of these Filipina wives are young, former entertainers—belonging to the age bracket that has the highest divorce rate in the general population. No doubt, the decision for marriage is typically made less under the glare of the sun on a clear day than in the dimly lit corners of an omise (entertainment joint). Because the period of acquaintanceship is at most six months (the maximum tarento visa)—or if longer, for the so-called timers or requests, is continuous only for the six-month period—you haven’t really spent much time to know each other, much less each other’s family, language and culture.

We are not even counting the undetermined number of gizo kekkon (fake or fixed marriages). Figures clearly show that marriages are as lightheartedly entered into as they are exited from. Of the four types of divorce that a couple may apply for in Japan, the incidence of those settled by “mutual agreement” (as opposed to those by arbitration, court decision, or judicial divorces) is higher between Japanese and foreigners (93.6 percent) than those between two Japanese (91.2 percent in 1998). In other words, most of these divorces are uncontested and done with just a press of an inkan (personal seal).

No wonder serial marriages and serial divorces characterize the life of many Filipinas. In a country where only 1.6 couples divorce per 1000 population, the divorce rate of Filipino-Japanese marriages is indeed staggering. When asked why they divorced, Filipinas give the generic reply that “Japanese men are tsumetai and unromantic.” If one presses further, of course, one uncovers details such as physical and verbal abuse, workaholism, alcoholism, in-law conflicts, lifestyle and cultural adjustment difficulties.

It’s interesting, though, how Filipinas generalize such diverse causes under the blanket phrase “lack of romance” and blame all the marital woes on the Japanese. If you’re on the verge, let me invite you to give your husband and your marriage a second look. After all, as the cliché goes, it takes two to tango.

He is no knight in shining armor! He does not sweep you off your feet, nor appear as though he would stand up for you in the midst of adversities. Think again. In a society where marriage is still considered—more than anywhere else—a union between two families more than between a man and a woman, your husband actually broke age-old rules by choosing you, a gaijin (outsider), with whom marriage is no boost to his social or economic status. Seiryaku kekkon (marriage of convenience) may not be heard of anymore, but marriages for tactical alliances to maintain family wealth, status and kinship are still a common practice, as in omiai (marriage by introduction). Your husband very likely endured alienation from his family and relatives, who felt spurned that they have not been given a hand in the decision. In a society where family ties are traced even to the dead ancestry, it takes extraordinary courage for a man to bring home a bride who has no visible family roots in Japan and worse, bears no cultural and linguistic affinity with them. Your husband practically defied the world to marry you. What can be more gallant and romantic than this?

You don’t get hugs and kisses! He doesn’t bring you flowers, nor say “I love you.” Poor you! Luckily, the popularization of Valentine has made it easier for the uptight Japanese to show their affective nature. The Japanese man has really been reared to show his love by working hard to provide for his family. That is why upon marriage, he settles into a routine of work and after-work fraternization with colleagues. He sees this lifestyle as part of his duty as husband and father, the fulfillment of which is more important than demonstration of emotional intimacy. Luckily, too, the burst of the bubble economy has been a boon to family life—he is now able to spend more time with you and the children than before, albeit with less income. Remember, he does not mean to just keep you in the house as okusan. You are expected to develop social circles of your own, just as he has the kaisha (company) as his.

You don’t get served, and worse, you always have to serve him! If your heart easily flutters when a man opens the door or pulls the chair for you, it’s time to outgrow the myth that a gentleman always makes a better husband. Courtly gestures don’t mean much if your man plays dandy to every woman. The Japanese may seem awkward or insensitive to a woman’s soft spots. But Japanese men tend to stay in marriage three times more than do Americans and two times more than do the British, where men and women pursue romantic love as the supreme virtue in marriage. Unlike our religiously prim society, where kept women are nevertheless flaunted as status or macho symbols, the Japanese society looks harshly upon open extra-marital liaisons.

In short, we don’t pass the buck around when it comes to making our marriage work. Once the Filipina appreciates what lengths her husband has gone through to marry her, she will also make sacrifices to learn the language and culture and take the necessary social adjustments. If she does this, in the end, she will benefit from the social sanctions and support systems that ensure stability of marriage in this society. Sadly, highly dysfunctional marital relationships are those that peak at the signing of document. As in any marriage, success requires both parties to continuously grow by meeting the other halfway down the road.

If your Japanese husband has learned to punctuate your phone conversation with Aishite iru, you’ve gone a long way, indeed. Keep going!