Of love and economics

I learned this the “Aaarrrgghhh!!!” way: that an attractive personality, smooth talk, similar social and economic status, ambition and work drive, and volcanic sex does not make a romantic relationship—much more a marriage—work. It takes so much more than just being a Beautiful Couple. Sure, people are impressed. But you will not be happy, in that deep down, soulful kind of happy way.

But, in an overly materialistic world where appearances matter more than spirit, form more than substance, it takes a very clear knowing of who you are and what you are about, and a strong will and focus, to stay on a path contrary to what the world dictates.

I think that basically, in this 21st century world, we confuse our culture with our economics.

In a free market economic world, self-interest rules and competition levels the playing field. Scarcity is the ruling paradigm, and efficiency (maximizing use of resources in the least costly manner) is the ultimate goal.

A sustainable culture that promotes well-being among people requires compassion and empathy for others, and cooperation and sharing among members. Abundance mentality should be the prevailing outlook (that there is enough to go around with for everybody, if everybody just takes what they need and leave the rest for the rest), and effectiveness (utilizing resources to achieve authentic long-lasting goals) should be the end-result.

However, it appears that we are applying the principles of economics in living out our culture, and an illustrative case in point would be the way people go about looking for so-called “love.”

What does the world subtly but oh-so-powerfully dictate? If physical attraction gets the guy/gal, proper “packaging” must be arranged: a trim physique, sex appeal, wit, money, cars, jewelry, designer clothes, the whole image machine. Furthermore, the continued desirability of a lover must meet a key criterion: what does he/she do for me? If I am not getting what I want in this relationship, I can “level the playing field” by encouraging competition. The more the merrier; quantity makes for quality and validates my desirability.

Then, too, there is the love-sex dynamic. To feel loved and close to another, we rush into sex, for the illusion of physical bonding sustains the dream of emotional, mental and even spiritual bonding that we all seek. But, when you come to think of it, if there was no emotional, mental and spiritual bonding in the first place, the act of physical union becomes a temporary panacea, a tragicomedy of sorts that leaves you feeling colder, emptier and even lonelier than before. Emotional, mental and spiritual bonding requires long and deep soul work. Physical bonding only requires raging hormones and mutual consent.
Don’t we see? Our means do not fit our ends.

To have peace of mind, inner joy and personal fulfillment in our lives, we are a slave for power and possessions, driving ourselves depleted and to the detriment of our spirits and personal relationships. To find true love, we rush into sex even before getting to know the mind, heart and spirit of the lover well, finding out only too late that we don’t match, or worse, the lover has become a torturer.

Senseless cow dung, huh?

But it’s how we have lived our lives in this last century or so—eating more food, having more comfort and meeting more people than ever before, but also hungering, wanting and longing for more than the mass-produced life we have led for ourselves by the sin of our mindlessness.

It goes back to reclaiming our selves, then: to be mindful of the discrepancy between the two worlds we live in—the world of economics, and the world of our culture, our lives; the world of matter, and the world of spirit. To be mindful of the little choices we make everyday—the choice on whether to let economics serve culture, or the other way around; the choice on whether to let spirit infuse matter, or not at all.

It’s time to stop the nonsense, and turn the world right side up again. *

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Ed’s note- Jean Lee C. Patindol is 35 years old, separated, and happily lives with her three wonderful children aged 10, 5 and 2. Although her training and background is in business and economics, her first and lifelong love and passion is literature and writing. A former editor-in-chief of a campus publication, she teaches at a local university in Bacolod City, Philippines. She will be writing a new column for us on women’s issues starting this month.