Parenting alone

It’s tough enough parenting together. But it’s even tougher parenting alone, because finally, you are the only one holding the bag with no one else to pass it on to.

Whether never married but with kids, widowed or separated/divorced and left with the kids, the journey is both perilous and rewarding, taxing your inner and outer resources to the hilt, making the adventure both a scary bungee jump into the unknown and one thrilling roller coaster ride with no end seemingly in sight.

I came to my present circumstance through the third way, and by full conscious choice. I figured I’d be a better parent as a whole person but alone, than a hazy person coupled with an equally unformed one. It has been one year last June 8, and this much I’ve learned:

1. Clarify your parenting goals. Usually, your parenting goals point to your deepest held values. I sat down with myself many times and asked myself what kind of children I wanted to help form, and I finally decided, that especially given my single parent circumstance, I cannot afford to bring up children who are too “good,” too nice, to obedient, too quiet, too rule-abiding in the eyes of other people, but who don’t know their own minds and hearts and can’t think and decide and act for themselves. Any time now, something unfortunate and untimely could happen to me, and like it or not, my children will surely be left in the care of other people who may sincerely want their best interests at heart but who will not have the time, talent nor love enough to bring them up according to their best interests.

I decided that early on, the only lasting legacy I can leave my children is an abiding self-respect and self-confidence, independence of thought and self-reliance and self-responsibility for the consequences of their actions. That way, even when I cannot be with them someday, they will survive in the world whole and thriving.

So, having clarified this goal, I realized I had to make major adjustments in my own character and lifestyle.

2. Adjust your attitudes, lifestyle and behavior to fit those parenting goals. The first and most basic adjustment I had to make was with my self. I had to develop those attitudes and character traits in my self that I wanted my children to also have.

The second major adjustment I had to make was the way I had to consciously think about how I run my own household with the kids now. Ours is a more laissez-faire type of household than most others, especially Asian ones. I encourage my kids to speak up and assert themselves as politely as they can, to make their own decisions for themselves at their level of growth and suffer or enjoy the consequences of those decisions. Sometimes, my parents and my siblings are aghast at the seeming freedom I allow my kids to have, but I am clear about my goals, and my methods fit my goals, so it’s not a problem for me. From the choice of food and clothes to wear to whether they want to go to school today or not, my children and I think through and debate their choices, and once the choice has been finally made, expect them to enjoy or suffer the consequences while I of course silently and patiently stand in the wings for support.

My 10-year-old eldest daughter once exclaimed how amazing our home is; she says it’s the only one she knows which hasn’t got a lot of rules. But then, after more thought, she qualified, “Well, ok, we have only two rules, as far as I know. But then, two rules is still not a lot.” The only two rules in our home is: Be honest, and, clean up after your own mess—both literally and figuratively.

The most difficult adjustment I had to make though was forgiving their father for perceived transgressions against our marriage and myself while we were still married, even if he has never sought forgiveness. I’ve read somewhere that forgiveness is returning good for ill treatment, and that’s what I set out to do by sheer willpower and resting in God’s Grace, not so much for his sake but for my own peace of mind and my children’s well-being.

Lynda Hunter in her book, Parenting On Your Own (OMF Literature: Philippines, 1997), emphasizes, ‘The effort to get along for the children’s sakes is an important decision to make. Living in a home full of conflict is often worse for parents and children than experiencing the challenges of a single-parent family.”

She further qualifies why this is so: “When custodial mothers and noncustodial fathers get along better, the children usually exhibit higher self-concepts and get better grades in school. These children, especially daughters, are often more popular with their peers.

This may be because the children learn how to get along well with others from parents who are working hard to get along with each other. … Furthermore, you teach your children (self) discipline, respect and how to remain in control of their lives and the choices they make.”

3. Be honest, be real. We owe it to ourselves to tell the truth, as nicely as we can, about how things are with us, and how the situation really is, because it is only from the truth that one can truly move on and make things better. All the rest, no matter how pleasant-sounding but if not truthful, is merely drivel.

Those early months on my own with the kids, when the finances were really tight and the children were whining about the kinds of luxuries they were so used to having but couldn’t have anymore, instead of getting angry and forcing my authority on them, I sat down with them and talked about our financial situation, at their level. My five-year-old son asked, “Is it true that we have no money anymore, that we are poor?”

I said, “No! We have enough money, but only for what we need. The rest we all have to save up for and work for, because right now, we are not getting the kind of money we used to get when Dad was around.”

As for being poor, I asked him back, “Do you feel poor?” And his five-year-old wisdom amazed me. After some thought he said, “Nooooope…. Poor is when you have no home and no body loves you, isn’t it? Well we have our home and many people love me, so I am not poor at all!”

There you go.

4. You don’t have to do it all. In my growth towards more self-respect and authenticity, I learned to ask for what I need, for the first time in my life. I learned to recognize my limits and when taxed, to respect my need for rest and ask for help from other people in my life. Brought up to be Supergirl, tried to be Superwoman in my marriage but failed anyway, now I am just me.

And it’s both a liberating and humbling experience, to be one with all humanity at last, and to realize that part of the mystery of life and loving is learning how to receive, as gracefully as one can, without feeling pressured to pay it back or earn it in some way. And, truly, wonder of wonders, once you ask, you do actually receive, in some way or another!

5. Pray. Because of the humbling realization that you really can’t do it all, and that you are one with the Universe too, in the final analysis, one is brought more into direct relationship with one’s Maker in this solo parenthood journey. Besides, as a parent, one is just really a steward anyway, it’s our Maker who is the real Parent, so might as well enlist His/Her guidance and help in the entire work of crafting human beings and human lives.

The old folks were right—wait till you become a parent. Then you finally grow up.

Indeed.*

Ed’s note- Jean Lee C. Patindol is 35 years old, separated, and happily lives with her three wonderful children aged 10, 5 and 2. Although her training and background is in business and economics, her first and lifelong love and passion is literature and writing. A former editor-in-chief of a campus publication, she teaches at a local university in Bacolod City, Philippines.