The scientist and the frog

There was a scientist who was studying frogs.

The scientist told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped, and he jumped 4 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 4 feet jumps 4 feet.

The scientist then cut of one leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 3 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 3 feet jumps 3 feet.

The scientist then cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 2 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 2 feet jumps 2 feet.

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 1 foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 1 foot jumps 1 foot.

The scientist cut off the last leg. He told the frog jump, Jump, JUMP!

But the frog did not move. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with no legs goes deaf.

Ang Tanong

Q: Bakit walang emergency 911 sa Pilipinas?
A: Kasi hindi nila mahanap ang number 11 sa telepono.

Q: Ano ang kaibahan ng conclusion sa opinion?
A: Conclusion ay kung sarado yon, eh kung bukas yon, eh de opinion.

Q: Bakit tinanggal ni Pres. Ramos yung mga sundalong nagbabantay kay Rizal sa Luneta?
A: Eh, hindi naman daw tumatakas si Rizal.

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Charm school

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia, the other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion.

The Georgia peach said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Alabama commented. “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the belle from Alabama commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman boasted, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Alabama belle.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

The Alabamian responded, “So that instead of saying “Who gives a sh_t?”, I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

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Kartero

Sa tuwing pinatutulog ni Eugene ang kanyang anak na si Nena ay lagi niya itong pinaaalalahanan na magdasal muna. Isang gabi, sa huli ng kanyang dasal ay kanyang nabanggit na, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and Goodbye Grandpa”.

Sabi ni Eugene, “Bakit mo nasabing goodbye kay Lolo mo?” Sabi naman ni Nena: “Ewan ko po, dumulas lang ho sa bibig ko eh.”

Kinabukasan namatay si lolo. Inisip naman ni Eugene na isang aksidente lang yun. Makalipas ang isang buwan may nasabi na naman si Nena. “Gob bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma.”

Kinabukasan, namatay si Lola. Inisip ni Eugene na siguro ay may kontak ang batang ito sa “itaas.” Makalipas ang ilang linggo narinig nya ang anak na nasabing, “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”

Biglang nagulat si Eugene, nagtayuan ba naman ang kanyang mga balahibo sa takot! Hindi siya makatulog nung kinagabihang iyon. Pagdating ng madaling araw ay uminom siya ng kape at pumuntang opisina. Inisip niya na doon ay ligtas sya. Naghintay siya hanggang hating-gabi bago umuwi. Pag-uwi, sinalubong sya ng kanyang asawang umiiyak. “Anong nangyari at humahagulgol ka dyan?” Pahikbing sinabi ng asawa na, “Yung Kartero, namatay na.”

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Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re hookers. Want to have some fun? “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem.

"Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hookers, want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, “Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been answered.”

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Pangumpisal

Pedro: Padre, Gusto ko sanang mangumpisal sa aking mga nagawang kasalanan.

Padre: Sige Anak, sabihin mo sa akin ang iyong mga kasalanan.

Pedro: Mamamatay po ako ng tao at mga sampung tao na po ang aking napatay.

Padre: Anak, sino at bakit mo sila pinapatay?

Pedro: Padre, ang mga taong pinapatay ko ay mga taong naniniwala sa Diyos, eh kayo ba Padre naniniwala sa Diyos?

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Bra

May isang babaeng maliit ang boobs ang nagpunta sa department store para bumili ng bra.

“Miss, meron ba kayong bra na size nito?” tanong ng babae sa counter girl sabay pakita ng kanyang boobs.

“Miss, sa Young Miss section kayo magpunta,” turo ng salesgirl.

Nagpunta siya sa Young Miss section at inulit niya ang tanong niya sabay pakita rin ng kanyang boobs.

“Wala po rito, sumubok po kayo sa Junior section,” sabi ng salesgirl doon.

Punta naman siya sa Junior section at tinanong ang malditang salesgirl kung mayroon silang bra sa size ng boobs niya sabay pakita.

“Ay, may drugstore po sa labas, doon kayo bumili ng plaster para sa pigsa n’yo,” sabi ng malditang salesgirl.

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Ooops

“Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Oh, yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!”

“Uh, Okay, then......here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?” he asks.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool… but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s all real dead too.”

(long pause…)

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool??? Is this 555-7039?”

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Restaurant efficiency

A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table.

The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, “Do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?”

The waiter answers: “We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables, and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient.”

Later as the customer asked for his bill, he remarked to the waiter, “Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter answered: “That efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my “you know,” and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string, and never having touched myself, I don’t need to wash my hands.”

The customer asks, “Then how do you get it back in your pants?” The waiter replies, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

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