Jokebits

May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:

“HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!”

Husband: “Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!”
Wife: “Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!”
Husband: “Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!”
Wife: “Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!”

Sa harap ng nursery window
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive.
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: “Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!”
Husband: “Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!”
Friend: “Surprise? Ano occassion?”
Husband: “Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!”

Sa hardin ng Paraiso ...
Adam: Lord, di ko na kaya ang tukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso sa iyo?
Adam: SUPOT! SUPOT!

A couple placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Response: Yankee: Keep trying!
      Briton: Change doctor
    Aussie: Follow a special diet.
      Indian: Practice Yoga!
     Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
 Population policies of countries:
      China: Stop at 1 child.
      Singapore: Stop at 2 children
       Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

Ang Guro

Sa unang araw ng klase, nakilala ni Erap ang kanyang guro.
Guro: Class. Welcome to grade 3. I am your homeroom teacher and my name is Miss Pruke-pruke. Don’t forget the R.
Nagsimula na ang clase at nang dumating ang hapon, sinundo si Erap ng kanyang nanay. Nakasalubong nila ang kanyang maestra at kinausap sila.
Guro: O, Erap! Ito ba ang Nanay mo? Magandang hapon po Ginang. Erap, hindi mo ba ako ipakikilala? Naaalala mo pa ba ang pangalan ko? Don’t forget the R.
Erap: Nay, a, e. Ito po ang guro ko. Si... si... ah oo nga. Si Miss Prek-prek

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Post No Bill

On a wall in Laloma street, a sign says
HULI IHI, PUTOL TITI"
Nakasulat sa pader:
MARUNONG KA BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"
along a highway in Pampanga:
WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE"
on a self-service restaurant in Cebu:
PLEASE HELP OUR COMFORT ROOM CLEAN"
in a Baguio grocery:
FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"
on a house beside an auto repair shop:
NO PARKING AND REPAIR HERE"
signs at PHILCOA:
NO CROSSING PEDESTRIANS WILL BE APPREHENDED"
in Baguio Country Club:
TEMPORARY CLOSE"
in Cubao:
NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"
on a parking lot:
TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED"
office clinic in Sta. Cruz:
DR. SAKIM A. MORGE. MD."
along Luneta Boulevard:
BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"
(my personal favorite)
on Jeepney and Bus signs:
BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"
on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
WE SELL ARTIFICIAL! FRESH FLOWERS"
on a delivery truck:
NOT FOR HERE"
on window of a restaurant in Baguio:
WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"
on a street in San Juan:
BAWAL MAGTAPON NG BINALOT NA TAE RITO"
A graffiti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."
At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN"
On a truck:
KUNG NABABASA MO 'TO, PAG-NAUTOT AKO MAAAMOY MO"
at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"
somewhere along San Andres:
NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"
vacant lot near makati ave.:
DON'T PARKING"
at an eatery in Cebu:
WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!
and this is the best of them all!!
on a building somewhere in the Philippines.....
NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"

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Shop names in the Philippines

Alabank (rural bank of Alabang)
Babalik Karinderia
Bote Nga Sa'Yo (Used Bottle Shop)
Bread Pitt (Bakery)
Candies Be Love?
Christopher Plumbing
Caintacky Fried Chicken (in Cainta, Rizal)
Cinna Von (a laundromat)
Cleopata's (bakahan and manukan)
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery)
Curl Up And Dye (Beauty Salon)
Doris Day and Night (24 hour eatery)
Domingo's Pizza
Elizabeth Tailoring
Fagoofyt (a children's hair salon on J.Elizalde Avenue in BF Paranaque)
Felix the Cut (Barber Shop)
Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (video rental shop in Usuanga, Palawan).
Goldirocks (Gravel & Sand Shop)
Goldilooks (Barber shop)
Happy Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 70's)
Holland Hopia (owned by Mr. Ho; next door is Poland Hopia, owned by Mr. Po in Chinatown Manila)
Kina Roger's (restaurant)
Leon King Video Rental (Las Pinas)
Let's Goat-Together (kambingan cum beer garden)
Maid To Order (Maids Placement Agency)
MacDonuts (Donut Shop)
Mang Donald's (burger joint, Naga City plaza)
Meating Place (Meat Shop)
Meatropolis (meat shop)
Memory Drug (A Mercury Drug Clone)
Miki Mao (noodle eatery)
Saudia Hairlines (Beauty Salon)
Side-saki (side street eatery beside Mandarin Hotel)
Sophisticut (unisex hair salon)
Susan's Roses (flower shop)
Sylvestre's Salon
TapSi TurBi (Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka)
The Fried of Marikina (fried chicken shop)
The Way We Wear (Boutique)
Wrap and Roll (lumpia outlet, Quad, Makati)
A menu in a seafood restaurant has these entrees:
Isda best, Pusit to the limit, and Hipon coming back.
A PLDT sign: SLOW MEN AT WORK
Petal Attraction - flower shop sign near U.P. Diliman
Pansit ng taga-Malaboni - along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong
on Jeepney and Bus signs: Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off
Full string to stop driver
God knows Hudas not pay
For reckless driving, call ###-#####
Don't get close to me, get close to God
On window of a restaurant in Baguio: Wanted: Boy Waitress
Name of a carinderia: Cooking ng ina mo
Cooking ng ina mo rin (right across Cooking ng ina mo)
At a video rental shop: MASTERVISION
In Chinatown:Le Cheng Tea House
Pinas sa Wrap (uso na kasi yung wrap)

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Tagalog Vocabulary

Abuloy --- bayad sa nahigop na kape at nanguyang biskwit sa nilamayang sakla.
Akala ---- alam na alam! daw.
Aginaldo - inaasahan na makukuha sa araw ng Pasko na mas okay sana kung pera na lang.
Bakasyon - sandaliang pahinga sa trabahong hingal lang ang pahinga.
Bakit ---- tanong na laging mahirap masagot.
Bakya ---- tsinelas na may takong.
Baga ----- lutuan ng mga hindi makabili ng microwave.
Bagoong -- masarap na ulam ng mga walang maiulam.
Baldado -- hindi mamamatay-matay na mukhang hindi na mabubuhay.
Bale ----- suweldong inutang.
Kaaway --- ikli ng 'kaibigan na Inayawan.
Kababata - dating gelpren na may ibang boypren.
Kabag ---- utot na naipon sa tiyan.
Kabayo --- hayop na sinasakyan ng kalesa.
Kalbo ---- gupit ng buhok na korteng itlog.
Dalaginding - dalagang hindi pa nagsusuot ng bra.
Dilim ---- liwanag na maitim.
E -------- ireng paseksi.
Gahasa --- romansang walang ligawan.
Ginang --- asawa ni ginoo na mukha nang tsimay.
Ginoo ---- inaasawa ni ginang na may inaasawang iba.
Gipit ---- kalagayan ng tao na suki na ng sanglaan.
Ha ------- sagot ng nagbibingi-bingihan.
Halakhak - tawang bukang-buka ang ngala-ngala.
Handaan -- magdamagan na palakihan ng tiyan.
Handog --- bigay na laging may kapalit.
Hipo ----- haplos na may malisya.
Hudas ---- tapat na manloloko.
Ibon ----- hayop na lumalangoy sa hangin.
Imposible - pagtaas ng unano.
Insulto --- walang hiyang biro.
Isda ------ hayop na hindi nalulunod.
Ita ------- negrong Pinoy.
La -------- ikli ng 'lalalalala' sa kinakantang hindi maalala.
Lalawigan - syudad ng kahirapan.
Langaw ---- kulisap na bangung-bango sa amoy ng basura.
Ma -------- tawag sa gelpren na mukhang nanay na.
Malusog --- hitsura ng tumatabang balat.
Mama ------ tawag sa sosyal na ina.
Mano ------ kaugaliang Pinoy na nakapupudpod ng noo.
Mantika --- katas ng piniritong taba.
Maybahay -- asawang utusan sa bahay.
Nakaw ----- pagkuha ng walang pasabing 'akin na lang ito.'
Naku ------ ikli ng “ina ko! ina na ako!”
Nitso ----- bahay ng mga patay.
Nobya ----- gelpren na laking probinsya.
Ngalngal -- iyak ng walang ipen.
Ngisi ----- tawang tulo-laway.
Ngiti ----- tawang labas ipen.
Paa ------- bahagi ng katawan na amoy lupa.
Paaralan -- dito itinuturo kung ano, alin o sino ang mapipiling bobo.
Panata ---- dasal na nakatataba ng tuhod.
Sabon ----- mabangong bagay na ipinapahid sa mabahong katawan.
Sakristan - utusan ng pari.
Sampal ---- haplos na nakatitigas ng mukha.
Ta -------- ikli ng 'tita' o lalaking may bra.
Tamad ----- taong hindi napapagod sa pahinga. *

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