Joke Time

Intsik patay punta heaven, asks St. Peter: "Ano dyan sa kabila?"
St. Peter: "Wala, impyerno. Super init!!"
Intsik: "Lipat ako dun."
St. Peter: "Ha? Bakit?!"
Intsik: "Ako benta ice water."

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Pari: What's your problem, son?
Man: I'm so depressed, Father. My son is an addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a gambler.
Pari: Tsk! Tsk! Disastrous! Is there anything positive in your life, son?
Man: Meron, Father... my AIDS test.

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A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He answered: "Depends.. if I can find a phone."

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If only Adam and Eve were Chinese they would not have committed the original sin. They would have eaten the snake and sold the apple.

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Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.
Ano naman and laging napuputol? CAT.
E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!

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Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit? DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON...!

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General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.

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Lumulubog ang barko...
Pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
Madre: Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta. Lucia!...
Intsik: Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!!

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What's the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER? When your girlfriend gets pregnant – ACCIDENT. When you live with her – CALAMITY. When your wife finds out - DISASTER!

Ang paghihiganti ng iniwan ...
Hindi niya akalain na mangyayari sa kanya iyon. Wala pang tatlong buwan silang magkatipan ng kanyang nobya na nasa Maynila at doon nagtatrabaho ay pinalitan na siya.

Isang araw, nakatanggap siya ng sulat mula sa kanyang nobya. Tapos na raw ang lahat sa kanila at binabawi na nito ang litrato na ibinigay sa kanya. Sinabi rin nitong ipadala ang litrato sa madaling panahon by return mail. Binigyan pa siya ng selyo.

Nag-isip ng mabuti ang lalaki kung ano ang kanyang gagawin sa masakit na kapalarang sinapit mula sa nobya. Nanghiram siya ng litrato ng iba’t-ibang babae mula sa mga kaibigan, inilagay ito sa kahon at sinamahan ng isang sulat na nagsasabing :

“Hindi ko matandaan ang itsura mo. Piliin mo na lang sa mga litratong nandito kung sino ka. Paki-balik na lamang ang iba.”

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Quack Quack

Three guys die together and go to heaven .... St.Peter says, “We only have one rule...don’t step on the ducks as they are God’s favorite creation.” They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible to not step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest woman he’d ever seen... St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.” The next day the second guy steps on a duck. Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together. Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: blonde, blue-eyed, very young and pretty. He chains them together and leaves without a word. The man remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?” And the Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

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THE LAST CD

There was once a guy who suffered from cancer...a cancer that can’t be treated. He was 18 years old and he could die anytime. All his life, he was stuck in his house being cared for by his mother. He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once. So he asked his mother and she gave him permission.

He walked down his block and found a lot of stores. He passed a CD store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked. He stopped and went back to look into the store. He saw a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight. He opened the door and walked in, not looking at anything else but her. He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk she sat.

She looked up and asked, “Can I help you?” She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there. He said “Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to buy a CD.”

He picked one out and gave her money for it. “Would you like me to wrap it for you?” she asked, smiling her cute smile again. He nodded and she went to the back. She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and from then on, he went to that store everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. He took the CD home and put it in his closet.

He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn’t. His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her. So the next day, he took all his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped. He took it and when she wasn’t looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out...

Then soon after that !!!!RRRRRING!!!! The mother picked up the phone and said, “Hello?” It was the girl!!! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said, “You don’t know? He passed away yesterday...”

The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy’s mother. Later in the day, the mother went into the boy’s room because she wanted to remember him.

She thought she would start by looking at his clothes. So she opened the closet. She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs. She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one.

Inside, there was a CD and when as she took it out of the wrapper, out fell a piece of paper. The mother picked it up and started to read it. It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn. The mother opened another CD... Again there was a piece of paper. It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn till.....last cd....

DA MORAL OF THE LESSON: ANG MGA TORPENG BABAE........ NAMAMATAYAN!

AT ANG TORPENG LALAKE........
NAMAMATAY!!!

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The Answer to Cardiovascular Genetics

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It is speaking English that kills you.

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The Scientist and the Frog

There was a scientist who was studying frogs.
The scientist told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped, and he jumped 4 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 4 feet jumps 4 feet.
The scientist then cut of one leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 3 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 3 feet jumps 3 feet.
The scientist then cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 2 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 2 feet jumps 2 feet.
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 1 foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 1 foot jumps 1 foot.
The scientist cut off the last leg. He told the frog jump, Jump, JUMP!
But the frog did not move. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with no legs goes deaf.

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Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep soundly every night,
THEN . . . . . . .
YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

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A Blonde on a Desert Island

Three friends, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.

They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

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Your Daily Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave  me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. *

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